From Larry, With Love

by Caleb Saenz

Larry O’Brien (LOB) #5 writes back to Larry O’Briens #1-4 to document his tour around the world.

***

DESTINATION 1: ARGENTINA

Hey guys. Hope everything is great. I’m OK here, but I have to say I’m a little confused. I thought this one was taking me to Italy. I had practiced my De Niro and everything. Apparently that’s the other guy. The one whose Internet connection they had to put the parent lock on. This trip is with the old one, and so far it’s been OK. He’s definitely the most popular bald guy in Argentina. People here love him. And while you’d think that means he’s all smiles, there’s a little bit of sadness there. Him and his buddies were bummed about not getting to play together or something. Had to do with his leg, I think. I tried to break up the sadness with a “don’t cry for me, Argentina” joke, but it didn’t go well. A lot of awkward silence. – LOB

 

DESTINATION 2: NEW HAMPSHIRE

I’d never been to New Hampshire. Not quite sure what I expected. This guy with the beard who’s showing me around seems nice. Arcades. Sandwiches. A sea of flannel. Bit of an odd duck. Won’t let anybody near me unless they address him as “Coach B.” Keeps a pair of old people’s shoes in a glass box in his bedroom. Just stares at them and whispers “the crowd goes wild,” “mamba, mamba, mamba,” stuff like that. He’s got a video of him dunking set to “Free Bird” on repeat in his living room. Don’t get me wrong. It definitely weirds me out. But I’m just here to meet Triple H. If I don’t see him by the time this stop is over, I’m calling this a bust. – LOB

 

DESTINATION 3: AUSTRALIA

Sweltering heat. Indecipherable accents. Everything here wants to kill me. I might as well be on Mars. I haven’t had a chance to catch my breath. Yesterday, we crashed a news set – mid-broadcast. The little one thought it would be hilarious. The big guy had to talk him out of giving the reporter a wedgie. Turned into a big thing. Tiny said he had the perfect way to pull out the undies. Called it “the Zorro” or something. (He’s got a name for everything.) Said it was all in the wrist. The giant just shook his head. Man, that one is a real piece of work, too. Everywhere we go he seems to hit somebody. Can’t seem to control his arms. And yesterday, I’m fairly certain I watched him eat an entire cow. In a single sitting. If you don’t hear from me in a few days, don’t bother sending help. I’m already dead. – LOB

 

DESTINATION 4: NEW YORK

This New York stop was a really fun time if you like snakes. If you don’t, it was really very troubling, and you’d rather not talk about it. – LOB

 

DESTINATION 5: BRAZIL

Don’t have a lot of time here — on our way to catch a World Cup match. But I’ll leave you with this: The other day, I’m hanging out at this guy’s place. We just came back from the grocery store. I’m watching him put stuff up, and he’s very careful. Like, bizarrely careful. Everything that goes top shelf, he uses two hands. Cereal boxes. Spices. Paper plates. All that stuff. Then I see him pause for a second. He pulls a roll of paper towels out of the grocery bag, smirks to himself — he’s getting cocky — backs up, gives himself space, and then he jumps. Like he literally leaves the ground. I couldn’t believe it. Not only is he in the air, but he’s carrying this roll with one hand. Unreal. I mean, good for him. Like it’s just groceries, but why not, right? But then, something goes wrong. He doesn’t quite reach that top shelf, and suddenly everything is all over the kitchen. Plates, Tupperware, spices. All over the place. The rack is completely broken. Guy just shakes his head and starts picking everything up. Poor dude. Anyway, viva Brazil. See you soon. – LOB

 

DESTINATION 6: CALIFORNIA

It’s been two days and I haven’t really moved from behind this couch. I thought we were in for an adventure when he walked in, me and this other trophy palmed in each hand. But nah. A trip to the gym. We met some kids. That was cool, I guess. But mostly it’s been just me here watching him do stuff. He called some people. Must have the cheapest phone bill in America. “Hey.” “Okay.” “Good.” “No.” “Yes.” “Bye.” Bye. – LOB

 

DESTINATION 7: FRANCE

King of the world, this guy. Seems to float everywhere he goes. We had a hell of a time together. Went to the beach, saw some art, ate some great pastries, hit on a ton of women, watched an international match, and ate some more great pastries. I just can’t figure this guy out. He’s like Babe Ruth, only dignified. Does whatever he wants and then just murders guys. He’s like the lone bumblebee of his sport. I heard guys tell him stuff throughout the trip. “The Shawn Kemp diet was bound to work sooner or later.” “Imagine what you’ll look like after you retire!” The less clever ones just say “croissant.” None of that matters to him. He just smiles and destroys, like a murderous bouncy castle. Or a Teflon hippo. Or… something. He’s a riddle we’ll never solve. – LOB

 

DESTINATION 8: CANADA

Cory Joseph is a nice guy, so I won’t say anything mean about Canada. I won’t say anything nice, either. – LOB

 

DESTINATION 9: ITALY

You never get used to the touching, really. I mean, you expect it. People want to pose next to you. They want to put their hands on you. It’s uncomfortable, but you kind of psych yourself up for it. Tune it out, wait for the cameras to stop snapping, and just move on. But this… this was different. Nobody – not the crazy Australians, not the French teddy bear, not even that snake charmer from New York – nobody had ever wanted to take a nap with me. I don’t even know what just happened, but I don’t feel good about it. I heard things I shouldn’t have, whispered in strange tones. And no, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m just telling you about this so you can inform the next guy to scrub me with bleach before the next set of pictures in his hometown, wherever that might be. We will never speak of this again. – LOB

 

DESTINATION 10: PHOENIX

Wait, like we’re really getting off here? This isn’t a connecting flight? Am I the only one who thinks this is kind of cruel? I mean, don’t get me wrong. France, Brazil, Australia, Italy, Arizona. Those are definitely all in the same tier of dream tourist destinations, and I’m sure people are just crazy about coming here. But I mean… here? A San Antonio player bringing a championship trophy to show around here? That’s a bold move, indeed. Brass ones, Jeffrey. – LOB

 

DESTINATION 11: FRANCE

And so this journey comes to an end. Of all the places I’ve visited, it’s probably appropriate that I’m writing this from a second stop in France. This is the most chill guy I’ve seen yet. Been there, done that. Doesn’t sweat anything. Mainly, he just kicks his feet up and watches some TV with me. (I don’t know what anybody is saying on the TV here, but I laugh anyway to fit in. Why do I do that?) His baby’s sleeping through the night. Nothing breaks the chill. You know, this is how this whole thing was supposed to go. On to the next one, not sweating a thing. The Summer of Larry. Man, does that sound great. I’ll see you guys soon. – LOB