Not Another Team Preview: Laker Hatin’ the Pacific Division

by Jesse Blanchard

Preseason is in full gear and by now, every major team publication or basketball website has had their season previews out for some time. Without much to add to the offseason (ESPN’s John Hollinger beat me to noting Matt Bonner’s new teardrop, which will only add to his +/- greatness), I thought I’d change things up a little bit.

Just as every NBA franchise has its own unique style or wrinkle, their fan bases are distinctly different from one another. Sure, the same terrible music is blasted through each arena, and the loudest ovations are often for the free t-shirts these days, but we all love our teams in different ways.

So without further ado, here is 48 Minutes of Hell’s first NBA season preview of each NBA fan base. Feel free to consider this the wikipedia of NBA fans and add on anything we may have missed out on in the comments section below.

Golden State Warriors

It is often said that Golden State has the best fans in the NBA, though for the past decade or so the team has given The City very little to cheer about. For one magical year, however, when the perfect storm of Baron Davis, Don Nelson, and Captain Stephen Jackson converged, these fans lived up to every bit of the billing.

Golden State fans have lived through their own Dampier era without becoming as jaded as Mavericks fans. They’ve seen players choke coaches, and whatever it was that Don Nelson was doing the past several years. Yet they continue to surprise with their ability to show up, despite a “star” player with a shot selection that would make Allen Iverson blush. They temporarily made a home for Stephen Jackson and Baron Davis, which is no easy task. And most important of all, they managed to land Jessica Alba for a while.

For the past several seasons the biggest rival to the Golden State Warriors fan base has been their own team’s management under the ownership of Chris Cohan. But cheer up Jessica Alba, better days are coming. The team is under new management and a young point guard in Stephen Curry who could run for President and get my vote (though he’ll probably have to settle for a few All-Star ballots).

Strengths: Thanks to a collection of shooters and athletes, Golden State boasts one of the better video game teams in the NBA. All the California goodness of Lakers fans, only, you know, the guys sitting in the stands actually like basketball. Jessica Alba.

Weaknesses: Frequent exposure to Monta Ellis may have damaged their ability to recognize good shot selection.

In the mind of the fans:

“You’re right Monta, you and Curry can’t play together.”

“The days of being defenseless are over! We got David Lee.”

Los Angeles Clippers

The season ticket home of one Bill Simmons, who may lend the Clippers fan base some extra points for having one of the more entertaining fans in the league. Okay, so Mr. Simmons is not a Clipper fan, but perhaps it’s appropriate that Simmons ended up with Clippers season tickets over his beloved Celtics, after all, being a Clippers fan takes a great sense of humor (see Crystal, Billy).

While staying in an abusive situation is never recommended, to survive through it being able to laugh is vital. And that’s what the Clippers fans will be in so long as Donald Sterling remains the owner. An excerpt from Simmons:

In Section 102, there’s a father-son duo who have attended games for 17 years…

When I saw father and son before the deadline, I couldn’t have felt worse for them. My father purchased Celtics season tickets when I was 4; by the time I was 16, I’d seen five championship teams. By contrast, the 22-year-old Clippers fan has seen five home playoff games. He and Dad love the team, but the team doesn’t love them back. As I wrote at the time, they weren’t even angry about it, more beaten down, like someone on Cheaters who finds out his girlfriend is sleeping with a neighbor.

But out of that misery comes real gems from an endearing (or is that enduring) fan base, such as the legend of Keith Closs, and the rest of this Clipper legends list (courtesy of the comments section from Clipper Blog):

1. Brent Barry (Slam dunk champ)
2. Terry Dehere (Former 3 Pt’s made leader)
3. Lamond Murray
4. Keith Closs!!!
5. Lorenzen Wright!!! (Grabbed 25 rebounds once)

Strengths: Sense of humor. The two Williams (Simmons and Crystal).

Weaknesses: Frankie Muniz. Blake Griffin and the Clipper curse…on a side note, he can’t get hurt. He just can’t, it would absolutely destroy the entire fan base. Clippers fans cringe every time they see one of their players throw ill advised lob passes for Griffin like inaccurate quarterbacks throwing over the middle with Ray Lewis lurking.

In the mind of the fans

“A franchise quality big man? A promising young shooting guard? Is…is…is that hope? Did Donald Sterling die? Did I?”

“Can we trade for Andre Miller before one of these guys kills Blake Griffin with their lob passes?”

Los Angeles Lakers

Los Angeles Lakers fans can be identified across the internet for their overzealous use of CAPS LOCK and love of the word “hater”, as in, “Kobe Bryant isn’t God? You a hater, quit hatin’.” Despite one of the largest fan bases in the world and devout media attention, Lakers fans like to believe in an us against the world mentality, going so far as to creating a new word by pluralizing hater with a “z”, resulting in the popular “you guys are all just haterz!”

Among Lakers fans, reasonable criticism of Kobe Bryant — even while acknowledging his greatness — is enough to brand one as a “hater.” It should be noted that Laker fans come in three distinct camps: actual Laker fan, celebrity Laker fan, and future Heat fans.

The Los Angeles fan base has a famous rivalry with Boston, which peaked in the Magic vs. Bird days, though, in all honesty, Laker fans know no natural enemies because it is impossible to frustrate a Laker fan. For those that live in Los Angeles, there’s simply too many other things to do to be drawn into a rivalry. For everyone else, well, should a team ever rise up enough to beat them it’s simply a matter of jumping ship. Fortunately for these fans, the Miami Heat’s black and red color schemes somewhat matches their old Chicago Bulls gear, so they can simply dust off their old clothes.

Strengths: Currently largest stateside fan base in the NBA, and certainly the most famous fans in the NBA. Cool under pressure (due in large part to the lack of facial movement following numerous plastics surgeries…..and the sedation effects of legalized — cough, cough — medical marijuana).

Weaknesses: Arrive late, leave early. No knowledgeable celebrity depth behind an aging Jack Nicholson. Pluralizing words with the letter “z.” The fact that most sites that showed the above video placed a disclaimer stating it was a fake news broadcast… and that disclaimer was probably necessary.

In the mind of the fans

“ESPN has nothing but Kobe Haterz! Yahoo Sports has nothing but Kobe Haterz! The Catholics think Jesus Christ is our savior? They’re obviously Kobe Haterz!”

“KOBE BRYANT! THE BLACK MAAAMBA! HEY KOBE, TEXT ME SOMETHING AND I’LL TEXT YOU BACK SOMETHING WITTY! YEAH! LET’S DEVELOP SOME INSIDE JOKES, I WANNA KNOW YOU MAN, I WANNA BE YOUR SUNSHIIIIINE!”

Phoenix Suns

The prettiest bridesmaids in all the NBA, but bridesmaids nonetheless. Phoenix is dolled up and has been on a decade-long run of serious flirtations. But with age starting to creep in, will the frustrations start to show? Fortunately the desert air (with a little help from a miracle Suns training staff) keeps the group looking young beyond their years.

Suns fans have been privy to some of the most exciting NBAÂ basketball in recent memory, but they also bare many scars (mostly at the hands of San Antonio). One of their biggest problems is that they have been enablers, failing to hold Mike D’Antoni and Amare Stoudemire accountable for their flaws. Instead blame has been placed on injuries (and not poor work ethic during rehab) and a rule preventing players from leaving the bench (ignoring the fact that Nash flopped and Amare and Diaw lost their heads).

Strengths: Eternal youth due to desert air and Suns training staff. An awesome Gorilla. Front row seats to the most entertaining point guard of this generation.

Weaknesses: David Stern, because he obviously does not want the Suns in the Finals.

In the mind of the fans:

“One point guard, one center, and 10 small forwards….It’s FAN-tastic!”

“So this is what the Atlanta Hawks would have looked like if they drafted a point guard.”

Sacramento Kings

Sacramento fans have seen better days. They once made up one of the biggest home court advantages in the NBA, back when Phil Jackson was cracking on them for cowbells. But rough economy, even rougher team. Luckily, better times are on their way thanks to Tyreke Evans and Rookie of the Year candidate DeMarcus Cousins. With the team on the rise now, they just need to find a new place for the team to play — or risk losing their team like Seattle (Las Vegas anyone?).

Strengths: Cowbells. Once one of the loudest crowds in the NBA.

Weaknesses: Once being the operative word.

In the mind of the fans

“Thank God for David Kahn and Chris Wallace!”