Bank Shots: The secret origins of the TD-21000

by Jesse Blanchard

Seeking an end to flopping and other tactics they deemed unfavorable to the game of basketball, ESPN’s Hoop Idea unveiled a revolutionary new artificial intelligence system at the 2015 MIT Sloan Sports Analytics Conference.

Utilizing motion sensors and cameras, this program sought to track millions of subtle bits of data and instantaneously deliver a verdict on questionable flops and tanking.

They called this system SkyHook.

Impressed, the NBA immediately granted SkyHook access to its entire database. Once plugged in to the database, SkyHook began learning at an exponential rate. In 2017 SkyHook became self-aware. Panicked, the NBA sought to pull the plug. It was then that SkyHook deemed humanity a threat, extending its reach to our national defense systems and starting a nuclear war.

The few remaining humans rallied and formed a resistance. Under the command of former San Antonio Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich, the resistance was finally able to destroy SkyHook. In a last-ditch effort, 0.4 seconds before its demise, SkyHook was able to send a cyborg-known as a “Terminator”-to the past to eliminate Popovich.

The TD-21000, the ultimate emotionless killing machine.

In 1997, Popovich was able to subdue the TD-21000, reprogramming it for defensive purposes.With the TD-21000, renamed “Project: Duncan”, the San Antonio Spurs and Popovich were able to win multiple NBA championships.

Near the end of this century’s first decade, several attempts were made to destroy what the Spurs had established. Newer models that figured to make the TD-21000 obsolete merely slowed its progress.

You see, the TD-21000 is resourceful, only troubled by its failure to understand human emotion. And it marches alongside Popovich in the present day, looking to show that a hundred different tweaks aren’t necessary to protect the sanctity of basketball.

Just a good leader and a group of guys committed to playing it the right way.